Taken by Kenneth Lu
This here is a step-by-step tutorial on how to watch a movie at a cinema. Follow these steps and you will successfully have positive movie theater experience. By following these steps, you are also decreasing the likelihood of getting punched in the face at a cinema.
Step 1: Buy or collect your tickets from the box office
This is a fairly easy step but keep it mind, it requires basic manners and patience if there are long waiting lines. Remember that these tickets are being sold at fixed prices and that sales representatives are unable to “sell them at a special discounted price, if you know what I mean”. Also remember that being told they indeed are unable to give you a special discount does not entitle you to rage at them.
An ideal transaction would go as follows:
Sales rep: Hi may I help you? (Or something like that, who knows)
You: Hi, can I please get two tickets to [Insert movie title here] at [Insert showing time here]?
Sales rep: Certainly! Just pick your seats and that will be $25, thank you.
Proceed to hand them your money in a polite manner and in turn they will hand you your tickets and you both say your awkward thank yous and welcomes.
Step 2: Buy some snacks from the concession stand (Optional)
Again, another easy task that requires basic manners and patience. You may choose to skip this step if you are not up to spending extra for snacks you could get cheaper at your local grocery store. Seriously, just sneak that shit in, no one will notice. (Disclaimer: I cannot guarantee that no one will notice)
Step 3: Make your way to your seats
When you buy a ticket, you will be allocated a seat which you will most likely have chosen before paying. Most of the time, you will be directed to your seat by an usher. However, this step may vary as some cinemas do not allocate seats, so it’s more of having to grab a good seat before someone else does. Be sure to say “excuse me” in cases where you have to move up and down a row, you don’t want to be a dick now, do you?
You’re seated now. Great. Now is your time to have a quick chat with your friend about what you think the movie will be like or what you had for lunch that day. Maybe even sneak a pre-movie selfie to post on your Instagram. Please do not wait until during the movie to tell your friend about how hot that guy you saw last week was and how the main character reminds you of him.
If you are late and the movie has already started, do not try and look for your friend saving your seat by whisper-shouting their name. Try to send them a message beforehand asking what seat they are in or if you have your own ticket, ask an usher for help.
Step 4: Sit back, relax and turn your goddamn phone off or at least put that thing on silent mode.
Need I say more? We don’t need to hear your awesome new ringtone and you don’t need to be taking calls in the middle of a movie, anyway.
Step 5: Watch the movie
Just watch the movie. No one wants to hear your commentary, your opinions, your discussions, your popcorn-filled mouth. No one wants to hear you. Just shut up and watch. If you’re eating, chew with your mouth shut, you uncultured swine.
TIP: Got a bag of chips/candy? Open that shit up before the movie starts and get it ready in a way where you won’t have to touch it later on. Minimize your noise.
If you decide that halfway through you are in need of a good stretch, stay put. Do not put your feet up on the back of someone’s seat. They’ll probably punch you in the face.
Step 6: Leave
Unless you’re at a premier with the movie’s actors/director, do not clap when the movie ends. It is unnecessary and weird. Actually, you know what, go ahead and clap. I really don’t care.
Before leaving, remember to clean your shit up or at least leave it in a way that doesn’t make life hell for the person who needs to clean up after your nasty ass. There’s nothing worse than spilled soda and popcorn with some gummy bears thrown in for good measure. Don’t forget to check that you’ve got all your crap with you because it’s a hassle to forget a phone/wallet.
That’s it! Follow these steps and you will successfully have positive movie theater experience. By following these steps, you are also decreasing the likelihood of getting punched in the face.
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Just don’t be obnoxious and loud and everything will be fine. Yes, I know some people would say that it’s “part of the experience” to sit through a 2-hour-long movie with the guy next to you who just can’t seem to shut the hell up, but I say that’s just plain rudeness. Seriously, if all you’re going to do is talk about how shitty the movie is and how fake everything looks, just save yourself a few bucks and stay home and stream it or wait for the DVD to come out or something. I really can’t stand when people decide that right then and there is the perfect time to critique the movie they’re watching.
Another thing, when you sneak food in, at least be thoughtful about it. I’m sure you love your curry but is it really the right thing to bring into a cinema? It makes me feel like I should be watching a Bollywood movie.
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Excuse my lack of post on Thursday, last week. I was going through a bit of a crisis but I’ve dealt with it and now I’m all good and ready to go.
Hope you enjoyed today’s how-to guide.
Thanks for reading!
Not Ellis
I am not Ellis 